Real Words

I’ve been a writer for about as long as I can remember but I didn’t always define myself as one. Looking back over the course of my personal history, what I see is that I have almost never dated other writers unless I was in one of those periods in my life when I didn’t define myself as being a writer. Thinking about that has me wondering about the pros and cons of dating a writer when you are a writer yourself.

I’m not sure exactly what the reason is that I don’t typically date other writers. But here are some of the vague conclusions that I’ve come up with of why it’s difficult for two writers to date happily:

• Relationships work best when there is a balance between two personalities. Yes, it’s best if you have some common ground but there is some truth to opposites attracting. Having two really wordy people in one relationship can get really intense and throw things off balance.
• I really don’t enjoy talking about my writing. Every writer that I’ve ever dated wanted to discuss my writing. I typically don’t like talking about my writing. Writing is what I do. I journal about my writing and I blog about my writing. When I am with others, except in the context of a writer/editor or collaborative writing situation, I really don’t want to discuss my writing.
• Writers are naturally soliatary people so it’s not as common for two writers to meet as it is for one writer to meet people from other careers. Even when they do meet, there may be no one in the relationship to push things forward because both people are inwardly focused on their work. I’ve met other writers in only two basic ways – through attending live writing performances or through developing connections first formed on the Internet.
• Another writer doesn’t always make a good muse. My writing flourishes when I am totally inspired by another person. It’s not impossible for another writer to inspire me but the relationship between us is different because I know their craft. Instead, I tend to be inspired by people who can do things that I don’t understand at all – fix cars and computers, play instruments magically – things that can wow me because there is mystery in them.

There are certainly plenty of examples of writers who have dated other writers – both famously and quietly in our real lives. As a general rule, what I’ve seen from those relationships includes:

• Only one of the two writers typically has great success. Or only one of the writers will be in the public eye for his or her writing. For example, did you know that Stephen King’s wife is also a writer? Historically male writers were known for stealing the work of their female partners and using it under their own names (
• There is often a mentoring situation going on between the two writers. One of the writers tends to be more developed in the craft and will assist the other writer in developing his or her voice. I think this is the reason that I was drawn to dating writers when I was still struggling to define myself as one – it gave me someone to guide my work.
• They often write very different things. One will be a web writer while the other is a book author or one will write non-fiction while the other writes poetry.

I think that two writers can work together in a positive relationship for a long time. I do think that it’s possible. And I’m not specifically averse to dating other writers. In fact, I think that there’s something positive about being in a relationship with someone who understands your creative pursuits. But I do think that it adds a new level of complexity to the already complicated situation of dating.

What do you think? Do you, as a writer, like dating other writers?